figuring it out

I was laid off from my job at the end of July. It was a jarring experience to be thrown into a life transition you neither chose nor wanted. Since then, I have repeated the refrain, ‘but I am figuring things out’, to countless people as I explain what I am doing right now in my career. What I was figuring out was how to find another job to replace my old job. I would continue on to wherever I was going, picturing the lay off as a small hiccup in the rearview mirror in a month or two. Well it is now a month or two and it has been a big transition and I would not say I am figuring things out. 

Instead I have been exploring. I have been exploring curiosities, new professions, new connections, and new places with genuine enthusiasm. When things was going strong in my old job, the curious voice in my head was quiet. I thought I had to be focusing on the job I was given, despite not being sure where it was leading me. But focus also meant drowning out the quiet and curious voice in my head. Now I had the time to listen to the quiet voice in my head that had ideas of creating new things and taking new directions.

I got back on my bike, rode quiet miles as summer came to a close and fall arrived in New England. I saw parts of myself that had been in hiding for a long time. I learned to listen to my own silly creativity–something I have often thought I didn’t really have. 

Let me take a moment on that, creativity, as a trait of a person, is something I did not think I had. Growing people were labeled as 'creative people', but I never thought of myself among them. The thought that I am not creative has creeped into adulthood but I try to not believe it. I have adopted the belief that creativity is not a trait of a person, but rather something you let yourself be or not. Importantly, I have also broadened what I believe to be creativity–seeing it not as an act but more as a way of approaching your own thoughts. It is way to judge, or not judge, your own thinking. Meta, I know, but it has helped me view myself more positively and explore my career, hobbies and relationships with more freedom. 

Okay back on this figuring out life thing… Recently I was talking with a friend through whatever challenges were going on in our lives– this time it is a job that isn’t working out, a stressful relationship at work and an argument with your parents. I was brainstorming plans to flip my life upside down in the following two days to solve my own problems as fast as I could– she suggested something else. What if I could find some peace in the process of figuring this out? That comment is simple and I probably could have seen it written on some self-help book cover. But it feels more genuine as it repeats in my head in her voice over the past few weeks. Currently I am moving, starting online classes in digital product design, and trying to start a career in that field. It's a lot of change, and a lot of trying to figure things out. But now I have my friend in my ear reminding me to find fun and peace in it all. You don’t ever figure things out I guess. I think you get better at figuring things out in a more enjoyable and more productive way.